___
Rain carries an immediate sensation of ambient cold
Raindrops trumpet in my mind; creating a symphony, an orchestra of line and colour
Tentacular bursts of light; illuminated bloops and bleeps
Tapping at the window’s surface, fountains down its sides
Tap, Tap, Tap, , , , there is a cadence; playful, bounce, erratic
O, sacred sound of flowing water, tears well and flow from my eyes
The path created by the flow of tears, is like rain drifting down a rocky path
Guided by gravity
Water follows, a line downstream, so do tears, down the landscape of my cheeks, my lips, the summit of my nose, my hilly nose
Amidst the sound, I saw your face, felt your embrace, warm lew that bathes me, in an orange glow
O, how the rain makes this body dance, makes a bladder bellow and blue
This delightful tapping brings back to me, pure childhood innocence
Moments we’ve all played in rain, we’ve all sat in silence, waiting, watching, as storms past
In listening to rain we are experiencing time, it is the sensation of the present
I know no image nor form of capture, that can hold down the beauty of this lived present
In its uncapturability we feel the utter beauty and horror of its passing, a passing we know, of this very moment which shall never be again; this beautiful present
There exists a silence inside the sound of rain; the silence that is us all, (quiet), listening
No animal speaks during rain, we all huddle to listen, wait, awe at the playful joy of its song
There exists a silence after the rain, when streets are empty, and we have all settled under warm covers; it is a warm silence, a silence of relief
This silence which does not exist, for the listening apparatus is us, and we are full of sound; we may dive infinitely into the sound of silence, the sound of our imagination, the sound of our dreams
___
where do you exist in my thoughts?
you are no where, yet your shadow lingers
must a shadow not have a medium?
a body not have its double?
from the ventricle core
arteries pulse, blood rushes
you appeared from the void
emerging through dark mists
i feel
a sprouting, a creeping
my simmering blood washes and wanes,
i am gripped by an unshakable fever
this familial fever which unsettles me
keeps me porous
in suspense
we are dancing in a field, a field of pulsating energy
i am in terror, as this hard ground quakes
a cosmic geometry emerges
i close my intellectual eyes, allowing the unformulated to speak within me
i am in waiting
for your visitation, your possession,
i surrender to it
your sonorous bolts puncture me
lightning can indeed strike twice
strike at me, again, for I am defenceless
to your noxious toxins
the lyricism of your flesh, your twlight presence
the swirl of your fine hair
the warm dripping down the arc of your spine
those sonic eyes, those electric pulses
that tender heart
your soft fingers ransack my brain’s grey matter
each drape of your lips, makes me two minds
i feel a sensual line across the fold of my eyes and brows
ticks and spins expressing the throws and tremors of my soul
tremble, tremble, tremble
press your fingers against the crevasses of my body
hold me down strictly
while these desire escape my shell of a body
they shoot outward like piercing arrows
neither happiness nor sorrow; but a surge, an entanglement of desire
oh, how fast these desires flow
i cannot resist to reach out to feel your glowing skin
play these fingers on the landscape of your mind
i move to expel my intoxications
___
In this instant, the laced veil lifted
In this moment life shrank, fields of joy rotted
As fantasies shattered
Gradients of the sky turn grey
My chest turns into impervious stone
Coldness builds in my heart, a granite wall chokes the flow of my passions
I cannot release these tendrils of love, they have been clipped, burned at their ends
All things lose their tender hold
Tears fall, and they fall, and they fall
Warm breath shivers
My spirit shrivels like a flower
I see now, you were my desires reflected, and so I am bound to your gift and torment
Another, Another, Another
Another one fades slowly, from my spirits
Another drifts
Another call of your name
Another goodbye
Another separation
Another splitting of my soul
Taken by force
Another fire dies
Another tree dries
Sap hanging on
Another ground rots
Another heart chokes
Another floats, floats, floats, floats, away
Another sinks to the bottom
Another cell walls
Another tear falls
Another dream crawls
Another dream dies
Another heart wails
Another flower wilts
The season was as long as flowers bloomed
Another life aches
Another poem writes
___
Daddy was a dirty lover
Daddy hated me from the start, said I was a cursed child
Second born son is bad luck he said, fuck off he said
Daddy left his family to fuck someone else
Told me I shouldn’t wear a skirt, not to keep my hair out, not to wear heels, only girls do that he said
All you could ask me was ‘why’, ‘why’ can’t you be like everyone else, why are you such a faggot, a queer bitch
I sense your violent eyes, I see how you look at me
You would have me brutalised and raped on the street by fist and asphalt, so you could say, ‘I told you so’, ‘told you not to be different’.
The world must learn, I will not change for you
Daddy was a dirty lover
I am a dirty lover
I am your enemy, and I will dance
I will dance for you, I will dance for you
I will dance on your grave, just as I will dance on mine